Oh, Crumbs! Another Data Breach, and This One's Got Your Social Security Number. Jolly Good!

Right, let's have a look at this, shall we? Another day, another digital disaster. You'd think, wouldn't you, in this age of marvels, that we'd have cracked the code on keeping our particulars private. But no. It seems the digital world is about as secure as a chocolate teapot.

This time, it's DISA Global Solutions. Sounds frightfully important, doesn't it? Turns out they're in the business of poking around in people's pasts – background checks, drug tests, the whole shebang. Perfectly legitimate, of course, until some bounder decides to let the entire contents of the filing cabinet spill out onto the information superhighway.

3. 3 million records, they say. Good heavens! That's nearly the entire population of Wales! And what's lurking within these exposed electronic entrails? Why, only the usual assortment of life's little treasures: Social Security numbers, bank details (credit cards and all, the rotters!), and even scans of driving licenses. A burglar's picnic, really.

Apparently, the digital burglars had a leisurely two-month romp in DISA's systems. Two months! That's enough time to knit a rather fetching cardigan, let alone pilfer the digital crown jewels. And then, the cheek of it, it took DISA nearly a year to tell anyone! You'd think they'd want to shout it from the rooftops, wouldn't you? "We've been breached! Batten down the hatches!" But no, a discreet, almost apologetic, whisper.

Now, the advice is all rather sensible, of course. Monitor your bank accounts (as if we weren't already doing that with the grim fascination of watching a slow-motion train wreck), enroll in credit monitoring (provided by DISA, naturally, so they can keep a beady eye on the mess they made), and be wary of phishing attempts. Oh, and the ever-reliable "install strong antivirus." It's like telling someone to wear a hat in a hurricane – charming, but hardly comprehensive.

And then there's data removal services. The digital equivalent of hiring a chap with a dustpan and brush to sweep up the debris after a demolition. They "constantly monitor and automate the process," which sounds terribly efficient until you realize they're essentially chasing shadows in a world built of smoke and mirrors.

The whole thing leaves a rather nasty taste, doesn't it? Companies hoovering up our personal information with the voracity of a hungry badger, only to then treat it with the care of a drunken rhinoceros. And what do we get? A year of credit monitoring and a vague sense of unease.

Frankly, I'm starting to think the digital age is less a shining utopia and more a slow, agonizing lesson in the perils of putting all your eggs in one easily hackable basket. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to write my life story on parchment and bury it in the garden. Seems frightfully safer that way.