"Yes, Minister of Crypto Security"

Scene: The Minister’s Office

The Minister of Digital Affairs, the Rt. Hon. Jeremy Haversham, is seated behind his desk, reviewing a report. Bernard Woolley, his Private Secretary, stands nervously nearby, and Sir Humphrey Appleby, the Permanent Secretary, enters with an air of authority.

Minister: (looking at the report) Bernard, what on earth is a "wallet drainer"? It sounds like something from a dystopian sci-fi novel.

Bernard: (hesitant) Well, Minister, it's not a physical wallet, but a digital one. And, um, the drainer... drains it.

Minister: (sarcastically) Fascinating insight, Bernard. But why am I looking at a report about half a billion dollars disappearing into thin air?

Sir Humphrey: (interjecting smoothly) Minister, it’s rather more nuanced than that. You see, these so-called "wallet drainers" are sophisticated tools deployed by nefarious actors to exploit the vulnerabilities of digital asset holders.

Minister: (leaning back) Humphrey, that was a lot of words to say "they stole it."

Sir Humphrey: (smirking) Precisely, Minister.

Minister: (glancing back at the report) $494 million gone in a year! And a 67% increase in losses compared to last year, while only a 3.7% increase in victims? So, these scammers are getting pickier?

Sir Humphrey: (nodding) Indeed, Minister. It appears they’ve adopted the motto "fewer, but richer." Quite the efficiency improvement, wouldn't you say?

Bernard: (nervously) It’s, um, terrible, Minister.

Minister: (mocking Bernard) Yes, thank you, Bernard. I had gathered that. What’s this about something called "Pink Drainer" exiting the market? Did they leave a farewell note? “Thanks for the billions, ta-ta for now”?

Sir Humphrey: Not exactly, Minister. They likely decided that their profit margins were... sufficient for early retirement.

Minister: (raising an eyebrow) So they left a vacuum, and "Inferno" swooped in? Good grief, it’s like organized crime with a branding consultant.

Sir Humphrey: (smiling) An apt analogy, Minister. Inferno caused $110 million in losses in just two months.

Minister: (turning serious) And what’s this bit about Ethereum? Over 85% of losses happened there. Should we be doing something about this?

Sir Humphrey: (pausing meaningfully) Minister, you must tread carefully. Ethereum is the darling of the decentralized finance world. Taking action might suggest that the government is interfering with innovation.

Minister: (exasperated) Interfering? Humphrey, innovation isn’t supposed to include grand larceny!

Sir Humphrey: (calmly) Ah, but Minister, if you crack down too hard, you risk alienating the very people who tout these systems as the future of financial independence. A delicate balance must be struck.

Bernard: (tentatively) Scam Sniffer did offer some advice, Minister. Users should double-check URLs, read transaction prompts carefully, and revoke suspicious permissions.

Minister: (raising an eyebrow) Oh, excellent. We’re asking people to outsmart criminals who are evidently better at this than anyone else. That’s like asking the gazelle to proofread the lion’s dinner menu.

Sir Humphrey: (smiling) Minister, we must remember that personal responsibility is the cornerstone of a free market. If people wish to dabble in speculative assets, the risks are part of the package.

Minister: (sighing) So what do we do? Just sit back and let this happen?

Sir Humphrey: (calmly) Minister, might I suggest a time-honored government approach: a task force.

Minister: (frowning) And what exactly would this task force do?

Sir Humphrey: (smiling knowingly) Study the issue in great detail, Minister. Publish a report. Perhaps even a white paper. That should take us neatly past the next election.

Minister: (shaking his head) Humphrey, sometimes I think you could turn a bank robbery into a PowerPoint presentation.

Bernard: (muttering) There’s also the matter of fake CAPTCHA pages and Google Ads being used to lure victims, Minister.

Minister: (alarmed) Fake CAPTCHA pages? Good grief, now even the robots are lying to us.

Sir Humphrey: (nodding) Indeed, Minister. But it does highlight the ingenuity of these criminals. Perhaps we should consider investing in public education campaigns?

Minister: (skeptically) Oh, yes. That’ll fix it. A nice poster: “Don’t Get Scammed: Read the Fine Print Before Clicking OK.” That should terrify them.

Sir Humphrey: (smirking) Quite, Minister.

Minister: (leaning back, shaking his head) You know, Humphrey, sometimes I think the only people truly prepared for the future are the criminals.

Sir Humphrey: (smiling) A troubling observation, Minister, but one with precedent.

Minister: (sighing) All right. Draft me something about forming a task force. At least it’ll look like we’re doing something.

Sir Humphrey: (smiling broadly) As always, Minister, your decisiveness is an inspiration.

Bernard: (quietly) Er, yes, Minister.

The curtain falls as Sir Humphrey smirks knowingly, the Minister sighs in resignation, and Bernard awkwardly adjusts his tie.